Effective communication in a family business is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and ensuring long-term success. But what do you do when there’s an issue or idea that needs to be discussed, but you’re not sure how to even start the conversation? This can be especially challenging for the rising generation in family businesses, as it often involves broaching delicate topics with older family members.
This post is inspired by a recent experience I had at Cornell University’s S.C. Johnson School of Business. I was honored to be a mentor at their Family Business Mentors Forum, where I spent the day speaking with students and recent graduates about family business dynamics. And I noticed a common theme coming up, time and time again. The exact circumstances varied, of course, but the question always boiled down to: “How do I talk to my family member (whether it's a parent, grandparent, or sibling) about an issue or idea?” It’s a question is one I know many of us can relate to.
The Rising Generation’s Challenge: How to Start the Conversation
As a member of the rising generation, you come into the family business with fresh eyes, new experiences, and a desire to contribute. You might see an opportunity or challenge that others haven’t noticed, but you’re unsure how your suggestions will be received, especially in an established, multi generational business.
Starting this conversation can feel daunting. There’s often the fear of how your thoughts will be received or whether they’ll be shut down. Feeling nervous, we tend to catastrophize the situation in our minds, imagining worst-case scenarios, and that’s where our fight-or-flight response kicks in, making it even harder to take the first step.
You may even find yourself avoiding the conversation altogether, waiting for the "perfect moment" that never comes, or avoiding the person entirely. But avoiding the conversation can lead to disconnection, which doesn’t help maintain healthy relationships in the long run. So, I’d like to outline a few concepts that can help support us in getting started and clearing the way for clear, healthy communication.
Neutralizing Your Nervous System: The First Step to Healthy Communication
When preparing for a tough conversation, the most important first step is to neutralize your nervous system. You’ll want to give yourself space to feel what you're feeling before diving into the conversation. I learned a helpful technique from my coaching training that’s been invaluable: "Feelings fully felt finally fade."
Though it may sound like a simple phrase, it’s actually a profound truth. When we allow ourselves to fully feel our emotions (whether they’re uncomfortable or overwhelming,) we can process them and let them go. However, most of us tend to avoid fully experiencing our feelings because they’re uncomfortable. Instead of pushing feelings down or ignoring them, take the time to acknowledge them.
Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and think about the upcoming conversation. Notice how you feel in your body. Are your shoulders tight? Is your chest constricted? Do you feel queasy? Pay attention to these sensations without judgment. Let them move through your body and breathe into them. Allow yourself to fully experience these emotions, even if they’re uncomfortable, so you can release them.
If you have time, you can even imagine the worst-case scenario: what if the conversation goes horribly wrong? What if they yell at you or dismiss you? Picture this scenario in your mind and allow yourself to feel the discomfort that arises. Once you've moved through these emotions, your nervous system will be much more regulated, and you'll be in a better state to start the conversation.
A Quick Life Hack: Resetting Your Nervous System in a Pinch
If you don't have time for a long emotional processing session, there’s a quick trick you can try: ice and lemons! This tip comes from neuropsychotherapist Britt Frank, and it works wonders when your nervous system is dysregulated. Try overwhelming your senses with a sour taste, like biting into a lemon, or refreshing your senses with something cold, like a glass of ice water. The intense sensation resets your nervous system and helps you get back into a grounded state.
This life hack came to life recently when I was at my daughter’s state powerlifting meet. After breaking a school record (and subsequent room full of folks yelling & cheering,) she felt overwhelmed and shaky. We stepped outside into the cold air, and just a few deep breaths helped her regain her focus. I noticed a lot of athletes at the event also had Sour Patch Kids in their bags—evidence that they, too, know about the power of ice and lemons!
The Three-Step Process for Starting the Conversation
Once your nervous system is neutralized, it’s time to prepare for the conversation. Here’s a three-step process for approaching difficult discussions in your family business. I’ll use the example of a multi-generational family business where the second and third generations are wondering when the first generation will pass the baton.
Step 1: Get Alongside the Other Person
Start by finding common ground. Rather than launching into a critique or demand, begin with appreciation. Acknowledge the hard work and legacy that has been built. When you lead with gratitude and recognition, it sets a positive tone for the conversation.
For example: “The work you’ve done to build this company is incredible, and we are so grateful for everything you’ve created. We want to do whatever we can to make sure that your legacy continues to thrive for future generations.”
Step 2: Present a New Perspective
Once you've established a shared sense of appreciation, gently introduce your perspective. Storytelling is a powerful way to introduce new ideas, as it allows the other person to see the potential consequences of inaction. You could say something like:
“I was at a family business conference recently, and I heard a story about a family that didn’t have a succession plan in place. When the patriarch passed away unexpectedly, there was a lot of confusion about who would lead, and ultimately, the business didn’t survive. I don’t want that to be our story.”
This storytelling approach helps make your idea feel less like a direct challenge and more like a learning opportunity.
Step 3: Invite Them to Join You in Exploring Solutions
Rather than demanding a specific outcome, invite them to join you in exploring possibilities. This opens the door to collaboration and helps the other person feel less defensive. For example, you might say:
“We’re all so grateful for everything you’ve done for this business. I know we can continue to honor your legacy, and I’d love to work with you to make sure there’s a plan in place for the future. Will you help me with this?”
Conclusion: Clear Communication Leads to Stronger Relationships
In family business, clear and connected communication is the foundation of lasting relationships. By neutralizing your nervous system, leading with appreciation, storytelling, and inviting collaboration, you can approach difficult conversations with confidence. Remember, even if the answer is no or not yet, the goal is to stay in relationship and keep the dialogue open.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this approach! How do you handle difficult conversations in your family business? Let me know in the comments below.
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